I've known this person for a very long time. You can say that we were childhood friends because we grew up together. Most of the time we get along well. That is when we mind our own businesses and just do our own things. But there were times where I get angry with that person. She can be really tactless at times, saying the wrong things at the wrong time, being ignorant of things around her. Then there were times when she feels like showing some kindness to her other friends and I feel that that is when she is unaware that she was being used as a doormat. However, I wonder if she knows this, that her friends call her when they need her or that she is just plain oblivious to that fact.

Every time I try to think of a good quality my friend has, I get stumped. She never really had much strengths and I guess her weaknesses just hides them. If I thought really really hard, maybe she is a very eager person. Eager to explore, to make new friends and retain old ones. But she does tries to hard sometimes, and more often than not, she hurts herself along the way. People don't see her eagerness as a sign of loneliness. People see her as clingy, needy and insecure but all she wanted was just some kindness and love.

Whenever she feels the lack of love in her life, she would spend her money recklessly. When I say recklessly, I mean spending-money-she-doesn't-have-and-more recklessly. How she does it, is a miracle. She will get someone to pay for her luxury good and then return the money in installments. Fortunately, the person who paid for her is her mother who is dedicated although sometimes overprotective.

In every relationship she has been in, she gives her 100%. Sometimes she gives 110% and that is when the problem starts. Whenever her then-boyfriend sees how much she 'loves' him and needs him, he will naturally shy off and this just kills this friend of mine emotionally. She will then come to me, wailing and demanding a reason even though she subconsciously know that her insecurity was the reason men leave her.

Deep down in my heart, I really do want to save this girl. Save her from herself for my sake and also the sake of people around her. She is looking for love in all the wrong places when the truth is love comes from deep inside, in the core of our souls, where God resides. When God created man, He breathe life into man. This breath, the very essence of our existence is borne out of agape love. All my friend had to do was to accept this truth. To have self-acceptance and to embrace the gift that has been already given at the beginning of time.

You would never have thought of this but that friend was me.  

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Yesterday I had a bad experience in church. No, it wasn't the speaker or the sermon. I'm sure the message was Holy Spirit inspired and the speaker was anointed, but that was not the reason I didn't enjoy church yesterday. The reason was because I saw you. You who promised me the world, the sun, the moon, the stars, the whole universe. The one who gave me hope and a future that evaporated the moment you set your feet in New Zealand. And what were your last words that still resonates in my mind till today? "You're not good enough for me" "Thanks for the memories". Each time the memory haunts me, it triggers a constriction of my air passages. Anyway, back to why I had a bad experience in church.

While walking out of the ladies with my cousin, looking forward to the usual morning Sunday service, my eye caught sight of a familiar lanky figure. Decked in black and white checkered shirt and khaki colored slacks, you walked beside your mother unaware of my presence. Instinctively, I slowed my steps, trying to avoid you. I whispered hurriedly to my cousin that it was you and that I had to hide away from you. I didn't know if it was shame or embarrassment or shyness or guilt but I just didn't want you to see me. Finally as you rounded the corner and out of my sight, I followed you discreetly into the main service hall. Once you were about 20 feet away from me, I sat with my family and tried to catch my breath.

It was praise and worship time. I stood up and tried to focus on the lyrics on the LCD. But my eyes were locked on your distinctive figure, you stood out like a sore thumb, you being six feet two and all. But just like Peter and Jesus in the Bible, I focused on the Lord so I won't falter. In the Bible there was a story of Peter walking on water. As long as he kept his focus on Jesus, he was able to walk on the water. But when he looked down on the water, fear crept into his heart and he began to sink. The moment my attention was diverted to you, I seemed to have trouble breathing and a pain would grip my heart so tightly it was unbearable. So I closed my eyes and thought about God's love, about overcoming, about forgiveness and that was when I felt release and salvation.

Soon praise and worship was over, and I sat down on the chair. My thoughts were like a ping pong match. One minute it was on the message and the next minute it was on you. It was like a frenzied battle between the ping pong players, trying to outnumber the competitor. Finally, nature's call saved the day and I walked out of the hall  and went to the ladies. I didn't feel like going back in there again. For some reason my family sensed my discomfort and decided to come out of the hall too. We left church immediately and went for lunch.

Have I learned an important lesson? To focus on God at all times and not to focus on my problems. That is the key.
Now that I know, it is important to apply it to real life and be a doer instead of a speaker. 

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I'm getting ahead of myself these days. With my studies completed behind me, and a career ahead of me, I'm counting the chicks before the eggs are hatched (is this the right metaphor?) Planning to go on vacations, planning to buy a car, planning to get this and that while being unemployed. Ironically, I only submitted my application last week. I only applied to one company with hopes to obtain it because it is my dream job and nothing else interests me. Everyday I either go out and spend more money or stay at home to rot. There are no directions and productivity currently for me. It is a good idea to chill out and relax after studying for what seems like eternity. But all these idleness has caused me to spend more than what I have and caused me to focus too much on the future. Living in the now is something easy to read from a book but actually carrying it out is much more difficult. Even when I'm doing something currently, like packing my bags my mind will wander off to the next five minutes, to what I'm going to do then. While watching TV, I'm thinking about what I'm going to do in the gym later in the evening. My life seems to be always on the run but never in the same spot I'm actually in.

It is good to have goals and dreams in life. After all, it is what drives us, gives us hope and motivation for a better tomorrow. But if life is always lead tomorrow, what about today? Yesterday's troubles should be left behind and tomorrow's dreams for the next day. A cliche sentence is live for today, as it is present and a gift. It is a sentence repeated over and over and I make it my mantra in life. True joy and peace springs from within when one is living in the now. So emphasized by author Eckhart Tolle. He's a wonderful spiritual and psychological teacher and it would be good if I can learn more from him.

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nothing is ever set in stone,
the hands of a clock moves,
the waves of the sea rocks,
the winds of the sky blows.

pain is temporary,
so is happiness,
tears dry up,
laughter dies down.

"i love you" faded,
"i hate you" dissipated,
your scent vanished,
your memory gone.

"hello" greeted me,
"goodbye" bade me,
we meet; we greet,
finally, we part.

the sun rises,
the sun sets,
the moon appears,
the moon disappears.

days turns to nights,
days become weeks,
weeks become months,
months become years.

nothing is permanent,
nothing remains.

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As cliche as it sounds, the sight of you took my breath away. My pulse quickened, my palms became sweaty. The moment I stepped into the store of luxury goods, my attention was diverted away from my favourite things to you, my new favourite thing. We chatted for long, but not of ourselves. I came up with the excuse of looking at the things you sell, and being the inquisitive customer. Days passed after our first meeting. I got your name but no how to contact you. I thought about you sometimes when I'm walking to class or when I'm out with friends. I even when to your store the second time to see if you were there but you were not working that day. Then one day I had an epiphany. I will search for your profile on a social networking site! And on that day I was so excited to go back into the confines of my tiny room just to log on and find you. And as luck was on my side, I found you on an instant, requested for a friendship and a few days later, you accepted! I saw it as a first step. To something more promising later.

Months go by, and the memory of you faded along with it. With the busyness of life, I hardly thought about you but just be unconsciously aware of your presence on the networking site. Just yesterday I went to the store, to bring my visitor around. I bumped into you and I was surprised. Surprised to see how beautiful you really are and all the feelings from the first meeting flooded back. This morning I logged on to the networking site only to find out that you are now 'in a relationship'. I guess maybe next time or next lifetime then.

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One thing that I've realised, maybe a little too late.
Just had a feeling while at a party.
That this will be the last seventeen days in Perth.
My heart felt heavy and my mind drifted off.
I really truly enjoy the company now.
My cell members, the life and party of my stay.

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Jehan, Groot and friends.
No. 76 is my second home.
Almost every single day I go there either to watch a movie or have dinner.
Listening to Groot scream at Yves.
Having Jehan shake her butt to my face.
These 8 months had alot of downs but it had alot of ups too.
So it sort of balanced out now.
I'm seriously going to miss you, Perth.
Even though I fell in love with you and fell out of love with you.
I'm not ashamed now to say, you'll always be my baby.

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Today I saw the most complete, fullest sun setting.
Its roundness reminds me of His faithfulness.
Every time I see His works.
I praise Him for His mighty hand upon our lives.
My Creator whose canvas is the sky.
Who named every star with just one breath.
And created me out of dust.
A person with breath and life.
Whose years are foreordained and planned.
That is the wonder of life.

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